Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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