I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
