I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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