why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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