You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
