I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
