Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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