I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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