we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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