Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
