she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
