Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize