Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
