I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
