just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
