I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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