You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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