The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
