theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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