I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
