She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Soap is not a condiment
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
