Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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