If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
