just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
