he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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