How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
