Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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