He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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