the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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