tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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