please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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