he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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