I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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