There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
