cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
