There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
