Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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