I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
