He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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