____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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