in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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