I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
