and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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