While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
