she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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