Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize