i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
