I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
