I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
