Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
