your thong is hanging out like whoa
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
