Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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