I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
