Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
