This is not my ceiling
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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