and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
