he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
