Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
