Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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