and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
