My friends, they love my intelligence
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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