i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
