Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
