I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
